Your Creative Life

False Belief: Others' Needs Have Primacy

   Others needs have primacy: McKay and Fanning provide that this belief requires that the needs of others should always come first. The impulse is to give in and defer to others. While sometimes associated with unworthiness, this core belief has a vector of it own. It's not so much that we are unimportant, it's just that others needs are more important. We empathize with them. We understand their pain, their desires. And it eclipses any sense of our own. When we endorse this core belief, problem solving is difficult because we can't seek solutions that would conflict in any way with the needs of people we care about. This predicts the other person will suffer uncontrollably because of us, the other person won't be able to take adequate care of themselves without our help; the other person will see us as wrong and selfish and reject us; we will end up despising ourselves for being selfish and bad. The belief that our needs are less important than others and the expectation that we'll feel guilty and afraid if we do something for ourselves, pushes us to use compensating behavior. Compensating behavior never solves the problem, it only gives temporary relief from feeling stuck and helpless. We're so afraid of guilt and rejection that problem solving efforts seem very dangerous. The thought that people would be disappointed or upset feels too disturbing, too big a risk to take.  But nothing changes and nothing improves. We need to stop, observe our behavior, ask: Is this belief true all the time?, and replace the old belief with one that works for us.

False Belief: I'm Not Safe

   I'm not safe: McKay and Fanning say that this is the assumption that the world is a dangerous and uncertain place. We can't rely on anything, and must always remain vigilant. Change of any kind is especially dangerous because we can't always predict what will happen. Our conviction is that if something bad could happen, it probably will happen. And our best strategy is to avoid change of any kind, particularly something that might catapult us out of our stuck but predictable place. When attempting problem solving, people with the core belief that they aren't safe often assess each alternative solution to be too dangerous. They turn even the slightest uncertainty about an outcome into likely catastrophe. The belief that we're not safe, that there is danger in trying new things, triggers compensating behavior. These help us avoid anxiety, but our problems never get solved. Change continues to feel dangerous because we never challenge the core belief. In fact, avoidance reinforces the belief because it maintains the illusion that change is a dangerous thing. We need to stop, observe our problem solving behavior, ask: Is it true all the time?, then replace the old behavior with one that works.

False Belief: I'm Unworthy

   I'm unworthy: McKay and Fanning say that this is the conviction and feeling that we are flawed, bad, wrong and undeserving. When we are influenced by this core belief, it's scary to push for our needs. We expect people to be annoyed and to reject us if we ask for something or try to change something. We assume that we and our problems don't have much importance and our best strategy is to endure and hope things will somehow get better. When attempting to problem solve, people with this core belief often have trouble putting their needs into words. They can't imagine any solution that others would support or help with. The belief that we're unworthy or valueless triggers compensating behavior like giving up or avoidance, which in turn reinforces the belief that we're not worth much. When we fear exposure of our worthlessness, when we avoid any public scrutiny of our value, we stop trying very hard, we stop putting ourselves out there very far. We circumscribe our world with a very small list of things that can be done by such a small person. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that little people do very little, and that just proves how little we really are. The way out of this closed cycle of low self-esteem and low efficacy is to begin to notice our problem solving attempts, stop compensating behavior, ask: Is this belief true all the time?, and then replace the compensating behavior with a behavior that works.

False Belief: I'm Incompetent

   I'm incompetent: McKay and Fanning write that the conviction that we can't do anything right causes us to expect to fail, screw up, or blow it. Every time we consider an alternative solution, the thought comes up, "I couldn't do that," and with it, a feeling of anxiety that we'll be humiliated if we try. Everyone will see us fall on our face. So, our best strategy is to avoid trying. Because if we don't try, we won't screw up. Solving the problem becomes very difficult because overwhelming anxiety can stop us from taking even the first steps to implement a new plan. The belief that we aren't competent, and the accompanying fear of failure, triggers compensating behaviors. These behaviors end up reinforcing and strengthening the belief that we'll fail. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we fear failure, we avoid challenges or do a half-baked job. And then we really do end up failing. Not because we're incompetent, but because we ran away from the challenge. We need to recognize and identify the false belief, ask the question: Is this true all the time? stop any compensation behavior and replace the behaviors with ones that work.

Four Core Beliefs Keep Us Stuck

   Matthew McKay, Ph.D. and Patrick Fanning provide in Successful Problem Solving: A Workbook to Overcome the Four Core Beliefs That Keep You Stuck that negative schema or core beliefs get in our way of enjoying a fully human life. These beliefs, about who we are and what we're capable of are really a kind of self-portrait that set our sights and establish our basic fears. They are the basis for most of our life decisions. When the self-portrait is full of flaws and blemishes, it warns us that we won't be appreciated and well received. It warns us to expect pain and loss and failure in life. These beliefs were formed early in life and grew from thousands of interactions and experiences in our families of origin. There are four core beliefs (there may be more) that are most often implicated in keeping us stuck and helpless. They affect our ability to problem solve because they make us believe that something won't work or that we don't deserve to have our needs met. They are 1) the conviction that we can't do things right; 2) the conviction and feeling that we are flawed, bad, wrong, and undeserving; 3) the assumption that the world is a dangerous and uncertain place; and 4) the belief that the needs of others should always come first. We'll take a look at these in subsequent posts.

Creating Our Own Reality

   It was a great discovery for me when I realized that I was not a prisoner to my beliefs, mistaken or otherwise, and that I could change these ideas, attitudes and perceptions.

   Ray Dodd says in the introduction to The Power of Belief that belief is Power. The power to create. We create our own reality simply by what we agree to believe. Our deepest beliefs about everything hold our attention and propel us into action, or keep us from taking action. What we believe impacts our performance at work, our attitudes about money, how we navigate through the world, and how we conduct our relationships . . . yet we are often unaware of the hidden beliefs that guide us. Sometimes our beliefs hold us back from realizing our deepest desires . . .it is the long-forgotten agreements we've made with ourselves that keep us stuck, repeatedly making choices in conflict with what we say we value most . . . When we come to understand the real power of belief, we'll discover we have the ability to create any point of view we choose.

So, how do we uncover these core beliefs that are holding us back?

Taking a Look at Ourselves

   When our cocoon, i.e. neuroses, no longer useful habits, obstacles, begins to stink, maybe this is the time to take a look at ourselves. Pema Chodron says in Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living that life is full of raw material for waking up. Her teacher at one time, Chogyam Trungpa, relates in Meditation in Action that we must respect the flowing pattern of . . . the early part of our present life right up to the present. And this river is very good and contains this powerful current running through it, so instead of trying to block it, one should join this current and use it. This does not mean that we should go on collecting these things over and over again. Whoever does that would be lacking in awareness and wisdom, they would not have understood the idea of collecting manure. They would collect it together and acknowledge it, and by acknowledging it they would have reached a certain point and would understand that this manure is ready to be used.

More About the Cocoon

   Chogyam Trungpa says further in Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior: The way of cowardice is to embed ourselves in this cocoon, in which we perpetuate our habitual patterns. When we are constantly recreating our basic patterns of behavior and thought, we never have to leap into fresh air or onto fresh ground. Instead, we wrap ourselves in our own dark environment, where our only companion is the smell of our own sweat. We regard this dank cocoon as a family heirloom or inheritance, and we don't want to give that bad-good, good-bad memory away. In the cocoon there is no dance: no walking, or breathing, not even a wink of the eyes. It is comfortable and sleepy: an intense and very familiar home. In the world of the cocoon, such things as spring cleaning have never been known. We feel that it is too much work, to much trouble, to clean it up. We would prefer to go back to sleep.

   He says further that when we realize that there is an alternative to our cocoon, we discover that we could be free from that trap. With that longing for fresh air, for a breeze of delight, we open our eyes, and we begin to look for an alternative environment to our cocoon. And to our surprise, we begin to see light, even though it may be hazy at first. The tearing of the cocoon takes place at that point. . . But again and again, we should reflect back to the darkness of the cocoon. In order to inspire ourselves to move forward, we must look back to see the contrast with the place we came from.

The Cocoon

   After sitting for awhile we notice that thoughts and feelings arise. These become a constant stream of clatter until we notice that one thought comes and goes only to be replaced by another followed by another. And on and on. We might also begin to think that we can't go on with this, that this is a waste of time, that we are not making any money, that the grass needs to be mowed, that the cat litter box hasn't been emptied. The accumulation of these thoughts, feelings and beliefs are lumped into one metaphor identified by Chogyam Trungpa as the Cocoon.

   He talks about the Cocoon in Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior:  When we are afraid of waking up and afraid of experiencing our own fear, we create a cocoon to shield ourselves . . . We prefer to hide in our personal jungles and caves. When we hide from the world in this way, we feel secure. We may think that we have quieted our fear, but we are actually making ourselves numb with fear. We surround ourselves with our own familiar thoughts, so that nothing sharp or painful can touch us. We are so afraid of our own fear that we deaden our hearts.

More About Basic Goodness

   In the practice of sitting meditation it is very important to know (not just to believe) that sitting by yourself for extended periods is good, safe and practical.

   Chogyam Trungpa says in Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior that through the practice of sitting still and following our breath as it goes out and dissolves, we are connecting with our heart. By simply letting ourselves be, as we are, we develop genuine sympathy toward ourselves. He says further that earth is always earth. The earth will let anyone sit on it, and earth never gives way. Sky is always sky; heaven is always heaven above us. He continues by saying that the logic of basic goodness is very similar. When we speak of basic goodness, we are not talking about having allegiance to good and rejecting bad. Basic goodness is good because it is unconditional, or fundamental. It is there already, in the same way that heaven and earth are there already.